Change Your Tune: How To Influence People Who Are Hard To Please

By Mary Jane Mapes, CSP
Portage, Mich.

As a small business person, you probably find yourself being asked to serve on boards or committees with people with whom you find it difficult to communicate. Undoubtedly, from time to time, you are faced with customers who rub you the wrong way or with employees who cause you angst. The faster you learn to make the most of those relationships, the sooner everyone concerned benefits. I learned this lesson years ago while serving on a board. Maybe you can identify with me when I tell you about Milton.

My dislike for Milton was relentless. I couldn’t find a single redeeming quality in him. He seemed caught in a permanent sneer, and the high-pitched whine of his voice made my teeth ache. His breath offended. He never met a clove of garlic he didn’t like.

I found everything about Milton offensive, and he knew it. Thus, he became more of everything I resented. Seven years of serving on the same board-of- directors, putting up with his fanatical attention to detail, his opposition to anything I suggested, and his argumentative disposition tested my character to the breaking point. Finally, the time came when something had to change.

It was my year to be president of the organization, and I needed Milton’s support to accomplish my goals. Aside from that, my conflict with Milton had created a conflict within myself. My feelings for Milton were in direct opposition to the person I believed myself to be: loving, gracious, and generous with all people. It was Milton who had to change. But I knew his change had to begin with me. Although it didn’t feel fair that I should have to make the first move, down deep fairness wasn’t the issue. Growth requires change. If I waited for Milton to make the first move, I knew I’d only be more and more frustrated when it didn’t happen. I had to be the catalyst. You’ve heard of taking the bull by the horns? Well, I had to take the pig by the tail.

As far as I was concerned, Milton’s only redemptive trait was how lovingly he spoke of his grandchildren. To hear him tell it, they actually loved their grandfather. Unbelievable! He was influential with professional colleagues; his reputation as a college professor was positive. Many former students sought him out after they’d graduated. Incredible! My mission was to find in Milton some of what his children, grandchildren, colleagues and students found in him that was worthy of appreciation. It took all the imagination I could muster.

Challenge Yourself
I began by challenging myself to assume the best. I started by giving him the benefit of the doubt. This was not easy. When tempted to question his motives, I’d consciously shift my thinking to assume something more positive and explore his ideas by asking open-ended questions and listening to him. “What prompts you to say that, Milton? I’d like a better understanding of your thinking on the matter.” Grudgingly, I was surprised to find that once I understood his rationale, it was easier to value his point of view.

Whenever he’d begin to dwell on the negative, I’d resist the temptation to tune him out, and instead, disciplined myself to respond with, “Milton, that doesn’t sound like you; you usually find the best in a situation.” His conversation would shift to more positive aspects of whatever was under discussion. If he actually said or did something I appreciated and wanted to see repeated, I’d say, “That’s what I like about you, Milton. You…”

I learned not only to assume, but to acknowledge Milton’s positive motives. For example, during a meeting at which he strongly opposed an idea I favored, my response was, “Milton, I know that your heart is in doing what’s best for this organization. I’m wondering if you’d chair a committee to explore both sides of this issue and then come back and present a case for each?” He ran with the idea, and as a result, was able to fairly assess both sides of the issue. The bluster in his voice was gone, and in its place was the voice of reason as he calmly detailed the pros and cons. If he criticized my idea, rather than react, I learned to say, “Thanks for your input, Milton. Tell me more.” Once I offered no defense, no justification, the matter would be dropped almost immediately. Our relationship was maintained, and both of us could walk away with our heads high.

Over the years, Milton and I continued to serve on the same boards and committees, but our relationship moved from darkness into light. In place of disgust, there was trust. Instead of resistance, there was the desire to explore each other’s viewpoint. Desire to do battle was replaced with genuine appreciation and concern for one another. I fully understood this when, in response to an email from me thanking him for the hard work he had done on behalf of our council, he wrote back a simple acknowledgment. It read: I love you, too, Mary Jane.

Milton retired a couple of years ago. I miss him.

Hold Yourself Accountable
To ensure our success with people, as professionals we must hold ourselves accountable. Have you ever noticed how easy it is to get stuck in a victim mode? Unfortunately, once caught there, we begin to believe our own story and neglect to realize how powerful we are to change a situation we don’t like. I’m sure you’d agree that I had a part to play in my negative relationship with Milton; rarely if ever, is a bad relationship a one-sided affair. Just like me, you always help to create, contribute to and keep a sour relationship going. If you didn’t, you wouldn’t have the power to change things. My relationship with Milton changed in powerfully positive ways.

Some of you may be thinking, “Wait a minute. Are you trying to tell me that when I’m in the throes of a rocky relationship, it’s my fault? Is that what you’re saying?” No. My message is much more encouraging than that. What I am saying is that you, like me, play an important part in every negative relationship.  But the good news is that if you have the power to create something you don’t like, then you also have the power to change it. By holding myself accountable for the part I played in my relationship with Milton, I was able to exercise tremendous power in bringing about the change I desired. And you can, too.

A seminar participant recently wrote to me saying, “I am a no-nonsense person and value honesty. I take my work seriously and want to get it done in the most efficient, accurate, and professional manner possible. My boss is the Queen of Denial type, and whenever I give her truthful feedback on the programs she initiates, she accuses me of being critical. Therefore, I have discontinued giving her input, which just fuels my anger. As you see: big clash. What should I do?”

Don’t Become a Victim
It’s clear that this woman sees herself as the victim of a boss who can’t accept her “no-nonsense, professional approach.” From her perspective, she had nothing to do with the negative reaction of her boss. She didn’t want it; it just happened. Almost nothing “just happens.” We always help to create, contribute to, and keep a negative situation going. Let’s take a look at how that happens by using the situation above.

First, the woman helped to create the negative situation with her boss. She knew her feedback to her boss would be negative, and she chose to share the unvarnished truth of her perceptions. Now, let me clarify here. I am not saying that you do not tell people the truth. Of course we do. Truth telling is critical to a good relationship. It doesn’t give us license, however to give our opinion to everybody about every thing. And in the case I’m referring to, this woman gave feedback that wasn’t requested. In essence, she made her boss wrong. Creation of tension.

She contributes to the current situation by refusing to provide her boss with input. When she withholds her opinion, she stuffs her feelings. Things are getting crowded inside, and now her unexpressed feelings of anger are eating her alive. Finally, she allows the negative situation to continue by complaining behind her boss’ back to anyone who will listen, rather than taking her concerns to her boss.

Reversing Bad Relationships
If we want to reverse a bad relationship, we need to accept responsibility for the part we play. Having the courage to face the truth about ourselves isn’t easy, but it’s an essential ingredient to positive growth and change.  You’ve heard the saying, “You shall know the truth and the truth shall set you free.”  Well, the greatest truth we can discover is the truth about ourselves. When we take responsibility for being a co-creator in all our relationships, we take back control of our lives, and we serve as powerful examples for others to follow. As professionals whose job it is to communicate clearly with untold numbers of people, we not only have greater opportunity, but increased responsibility to set that example. Congruency is key to our credibility on or off the platform.

As a reminder of the importance of taking responsibility for all your communications, take the time to answer the following questions.

Transformers

• Identify a person with whom you’ve had difficulty. What happened to create negative feelings with this person in your life? Did he or she disappoint you? Cancel an appointment at the last minute? Speak to you in a tone you didn’t like?
• Were you holding any misgivings about this person prior to the activating experience? Be as honest as you can about any thoughts you might have been experiencing. For example, when I first started my business, it was not uncommon for me to approach a meeting with the CEO or the VP of an organization with fear and a lack of confidence. Unconsciously, I’d broadcast these feelings to them, and then wondered why they didn’t hire me. My thinking was actually contributing to their misgivings about my ability to do the job. 
• If someone else had been looking on, how might they have described your reaction? What did you do? What did you say? What was your physical reaction? What was the tone of your voice? Did you maintain silence?
• Was your reaction rational? For example, whenever I speak for an organization that doesn’t provide a host and allows me to fend for myself, I find myself feeling annoyed. That is, until I stop long enough to think about how irrational it is for me to expect someone else to exhibit the same rules of etiquette I learned growing up. It’s irrational because often that person didn’t grow up in my generation, nor in my family. Once I ask myself, “What else could this mean?” it’s easy to let go of the irritation. Any time we expect people to share our standards, do as we would do, think as we would think, respond as we would respond, we are being irrational.
• If given a second chance, how might you respond differently?  A good way to answer this might be to answer some other questions first. For example, “What attitude would lead to the most productive outcome? What attitude would lead to organizational or personal success? What attitude would have the most positive impact?”
• If you had responded differently, how would the outcome have been different? Would you have maintained or enhanced the relationship?  Would you have established a greater trust bond? Would you have felt more authentic? Would you have had greater feelings of self-respect? Would your credibility have been enhanced?

© 2012  Mary Jane Mapes.  All rights reserved.

Mary Jane Mapes is an award-winning leadership/communication strategist, author, and professional speaker who works with organizations that want to create great relationships and develop a culture of excellence.  She is from Portage, MI and can be reached at www.maryjane@maryjanemapes.com  or at 800-851-2270.